ζωήν (zōēn)

Noun: accusative singular feminine

The absolute fullness of life, both essential and ethical, which belongs to God.

It was the summer of 2018, and I could no longer walk to the mailbox. If you were an outsider looking in I might have looked “normal,” but internally, mentally, something was seriously wrong. One moment everything seemed fine, and the next moment I was filled with fear, anxiety, and depression. My body, in a matter of seconds, went from being a little worn out to being stuck in fight or flight mode. Everything scared me, even attempting to get the mail. I could not imagine that things could get any worse, but over the next two months the nightmare progressed.

I didn’t know it was possible to live without sleep, but for for the next three months I slept no more than 1-2 hours each night. Even prescription sleep medicine did absolutely nothing to help me rest. In addition to insomnia, I had no appetite and lost over 30 pounds. My heart would race and skip beats. My body would shake. I was almost always dizzy. My muscles would tense up and ache, making it feel like I had the flu. All of my senses were on high alert. A songbird sounded like a screaming cockatoo. Looking at a dim light felt as if I was staring directly at the sun. Even my smell and taste were off. In addition, my memory began to fade to the point where I had to use my iPhone map app to find my way around the city that I had called home for almost 40 years. Maybe the worst part was the existential crisis that came out of nowhere. I became fearful that everything I had believed about God and Jesus was either made up or unavailable to me. I felt like a burden to my family, and feared that, if things got worse, I might take my own life. I was the Lead Pastor of a new church plant, and I thought that I would never preach another sermon. I feared that I would never be able to walk my daughter down the aisle. My conclusion… I was going crazy! But the reality was that I had had a nervous breakdown that stemmed from an incredibly stressful and painful season as the Lead Pastor at a previous church.

I tried everything I could do to make “it” go away. I took medication. I saw an amazing counselor… sometimes three times a week. I even spent 40 days at a treatment facility across the country. During this dark night of the soul all I could pray were the words “please help.” It became increasingly hard to read, so the only comfort from Scripture came from verses that I had memorized over the years. One of those verses was John 10:10. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life (zōēn) and have it abundantly.” For the next three and a half years this verse was one that I held close to my heart. I knew that abundant life, zōēn, would ultimately come in heaven, but I also believed that there was a certain quality of zōēn that I could embrace now because of the cross of Jesus. This truth lead me on a journey to find this zōēn that was promised.

It has taken a long time, but by God’s grace, I am joyful again! The church I pastor is amazing. I preach weekly from a grateful heart for what God has taught me over the years. Through this season, God has humbled me and taught me to love God and people better. I have learned so much through this journey, and my hope through zōēn is to encourage you. I believe that my healing process could have been much quicker had I known what I know today. zōēn is dedicated to helping those who struggle with fear, anxiety, and depression, or for those who just need some extra joy in the midst of a fallen, broken world. zōēn exists to help you discover the abundant life that Jesus offers to us today and for all of eternity.