How God Spoke Through a Song
I tried everything I could do to make “it” go away. I took medication. I saw an amazing counselor. I spent 40 days at a treatment facility, away from my family and across the country. I even stepped out of my theological comfort zone and took James, the half-brother of Jesus, at his word. In accordance with James 5:14, I called for the elders of my church to pray over me and anoint me with oil. But, no matter what I did, depression and anxiety seemed to close in tighter and tighter, almost killing me. Or, more honestly, almost causing me to kill myself.
During this dark night of the soul, all I could pray were the words “please help.” And, each time that I prayed those words, it seemed as if all I got in return was silence. I found myself resonating with the lyrics from Andrew Peterson’s song, “The Silence of God.”
It's enough to drive a man crazy; it'll break a man's faith
It's enough to make him wonder if he's ever been sane
When he's bleating for comfort from Thy staff and Thy rod
And the heaven's only answer is the silence of God
I had been a Christian my whole life, a pastor for eighteen years, and now, the God who was once so near seemed absent. The worst of it came at night when I couldn’t sleep. My body was filled with adrenalin, permitting only one or two hours of sleep each night. And, it was during these long, dark hours that I would place my white earbuds in and seek to soothe my soul through music. What I didn’t realize at the time, but see clearly now, is that God wasn’t silent. While I was listening for the still small voice of God, He had chosen to speak clearly through an individual… through her song. Night after night, as I attempted to find the allusive sleep, I'd put on repeat JJ Heller’s song “God Is Still Here.” While it wasn’t all that I needed to heal my brain and nervous system, the music and lyrics of this song breathed enough life into me to help me hang on for another day. Night after night I found Christ-centered hope in this song. I encourage you to listen to the whole thing, but the chorus of this song, each and every evening, provided a glimmer of light to my intense darkness.
What if the world doesn't end when the fears come true?
What if we have what we need to make it through?
There is manna from heaven and mercies new
What if God is still here in this desert too?
As a pastor, I knew well the story of the Exodus. The Israelites had spent 40 years wandering and wondering. They were nomads who were hungry, thirsty, and at times lost. Like I had, they too spent time lamenting what felt like the silence of God. At one point, in what must have been their darkest days, the people of Israel moaned, “if only the Lord had killed us back in Egypt.” Combine Israel's history with being an Arizona native, and it wasn’t t hard for me to visualize what JJ Heller was alluding to. The desert can be a difficult place to live, but whether it’s forty years in the Sinai Desert, or four years battling depression and anxiety, God has shown us over and over again that He is still there. His mercies are new every morning, and He hasn’t forgotten about us. It may not feel like it when we are in a desert season, but we have countless stories of God’s faithfulness that we can hold onto and borrow hope from. God was faithful to the Israelites and led them into the promised land. He was faithful to Job and restored all he had lost. He was faithful to Abraham and Sarah when, in their old age, he gave them a child. He was faithful to me when He met me through a song and, ever so slowly, brought me out of the darkness.
From time to time I still listen to this song. To this day it is a balm to my soul, and it will always be a reminder to me of my season in the desert and how God met me there through a chorus. Just like God met the Israelites, God met me. I’m not sure what desert you find yourself in today, but God is still there in that desert too!